I'm in

I was in a groove. Exercising regularly, eating mostly healthy food, staying between 130 and 134 pounds without tracking what I ate. Then there were excuses and I stopped exercising and my weight crept up to 136. Then I freaked out and decided to try this and then this. Then more excuses and I've spent the last three months eating everything in sight "while I still can!" This morning I weighed 143 pounds and I only have two pairs of pants that fit me.

I'm going back to what works for me. Tracking food with weight watchers, less carbs, turbulence training. And this blog. Hello again!

Reality Bites

I'm still here, and I obviously need to be here more than ever.

This morning when I went to the gym, Adrián made me get on the scale, even though I broke out in hives and a cold sweat as soon as we got near it.

It turns out eating more veggies doesn't work so well if you slather said veggies in dulce de leche.

"Last time," Adrián announced, pointing at the 71kg mark, "you were here." He slid the weight across the top of the scale and I waited very impatiently for it to level off. 72. 73. Nothing. Finally the scale was level, at 74 kilos.

SEVENTY FOUR KILOS, which means I have gained 3 kilos, or 6.6 lbs, since we arrived in the land of meat and alfajores. Which also means I have to get back into the 150s before I can even think about the 140s.

My Five Stages of Weight Gain:

1. PANIC: Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
2. DISGUST: Argh.
3. DESPAIR: In three weeks I'm going to be a fat 35-year-old.
4. DESPERATION: How little can I eat for the next three weeks?
5. HOPE: Could any of that be muscle?
6. OPTIMISM: At least it wasn't 5 kilos!

I'd bargain (there's always anorexia and bulimia!) but I love food and hate throwing up, so unfortunately those are out. I definitely haven't been walking much around here lately (especially since Spanish classes come to us now) and with the weather getting colder (oh hello, Southern Hemisphere) I just want to sit around in track pants eating cookies. Instead, I'm going to try Sparkpeople for a few weeks to track what I'm eating, and hopefully add a couple more stages to the list:

6. ACCEPTANCE: It's all a project.
7. HOTBODY: 'Nuff said.

Back on track, over and over again

I found out that the bright side of stress and insomnia for me is weight loss. I spent a month not exercising and freaking out about papers and projects and finals and my weight went to 127. Then I turned in the last paper and my appetite came flooding back and I gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks. We took a trip to Chicago and ate lots of deep dish pizza and cheesecake so I'm sure that didn't help. I'm back at 132 and trying to focus again on healthy and sustainable.

You all around?

Ideal body

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. I never imagined I'd be a size six, but still I'm dissatisfied with my body. Much more so than I was at size sixteen. Objectively I look pretty fit, but there are still parts that are squishy and I still don't have much visible definition in my arms. I'm not sure what to do now, though. It seems almost disordered to want to be a size four?

Skwigg is a fitness blogger I love and she just had a great post about her changing definition of an ideal body.

C's weigh-in: 130.6

I got sick again and took another week off of exercise. I'm so used to fighting excuses that it was hard to deliberately not exercise for a week and not feel guilty about it. I'm also not counting points anymore, but somehow I lost three pounds in the last two weeks. When I was feeling sick and melodramatic I decided I was wasting away from tuberculosis and possibly also cancer.

I feel better now and started a new turbulence training workout yesterday (tk5). I can do spiderman push-ups now, I couldn't the last time I did this workout.



I don't know how much exercise contributes to weight loss for me, but I really need it for motivation.

On Being a Very Good Eater

My attempt to lose the 10lbs that I somehow managed to gain over the summer is not going so well. Oh sure I'm eating salads and going to the gym where I have been doing some RUNNING (Seriously. I have been running. Who am I?) but I'm not actually losing any weight. This is probably due to my love for food.

You see, I love food a lot. Often I'll find myself eating some food and excitedly thinking about the food I might eat next. It'll be lunch. I'll be munching on a nice crunchy salad with artichoke hearts and boiled egg and blue cheese and thinking to myself, "hmm what shall I eat for dinner? I could make spaghetti! Or order Thai basil chicken! Man tomorrow morning I get to have that yummy yogurt again, with the dried apricots, I CAN'T WAIT!" This cannot be healthy, right? Surely I must have some sort of hole in my heart that I'm trying to fill with food but when I try to recall being abused by the elementary cafeteria lady I quickly get distracted by thoughts of sloppy joes and chocolate malts. I think the hole I'm filling might just be my bottomless stomach.

I recently observed that having few buddies at my new jobs means I'm much more likely to eat a healthy lunch to which my friend Lisa replied, "Good Point. If you [worked here] we'd be all 'hamburgers!' every day." This is not true, sometimes I would want mac and cheese and some other times I would want Chinese pork buns, and least you think I only want to eat food bathed in grease sometimes I would just want roasted broccoli covered in lots of red pepper flakes. Part of my problem with food is that I love healthy foods which seems like a good thing until you're eating a trough of it and gaining 5lbs JUST FROM BROCCOLI.

Sometimes I fantasize about getting really fat. Because sure, I would miss my toes and sexy underwear and living past the age of 50 but maybe all of that is a reasonable price to pay for unlimited ice cream consumption? Maybe once I got past being the woman that kids moo at in the grocery store I could cover myself in a yummy blanket of ranch dressing and dig my way out with a truck load of french fries. Perhaps TLC could do a show on me (Half Ton Blogger?), perhaps they would pay me for humiliating myself on national television not with a free gastric bypass surgery but with my own personal chef who will make me endless supplies of fresh pasta covered in spicy tomato sauce. Doesn't sound half bad, right?

This fantasy is partially fueled by my desire to succeed. I am not always successful at eating less than 5 servings of jalapeno corn bread or doing my personal trainer prescribed squats at the super slow speed that makes my thighs shake in fear. Despite past successes I am not at all sure that I can succeed at losing the 10lbs that appear to be cling wrapped to my thighs. But I know without a doubt that I could kick ass at being really fat. I would eat ridiculous quantities of grilled cheese sandwiches. I would lounge around in a muumuu. I would be very good at sitting in a very large chair.

Not quite

I made it to 18 days in a row, then hit my first final exam in 15 years. Insomnia, no exercise, pizza and ice cream for the last 3 days. I was still 136.2 this morning, though, and plan to get in three workouts this week before we head to California on Saturday.

This person is going to be my inspiration for the 12 weeks after we get back from California:

http://www.transformationcontest.com/contest4/tabitha.shtml

She's roughly the same height and age as me and her before weight and size are similar. I don't know about shooting for a size 4, though, that seems a little extreme.

C's weigh-in: 136.2

Happy with the progress. I've exercised 14 days in a row so far. I'm planning to save all extra points this week for cookie baking on Saturday. I have a final on Saturday morning but have so far avoided the insomnia that usually goes with something like that.

Another clue to motivation for me - exercising every day is easier than trying to exercise most days. It takes the decision out of it, I don't start rationalizing about how tomorrow will be better.

C's weigh-in: 138.2

Basically just shooting for my original goal of 135 before the California trip at the end of the month.

So far so good with the exercise every day plan. My parents had Griffin overnight on Saturday night and yesterday I realized that if I can exercise any time I want to, I don't. I had all day yesterday and didn't drag myself to the basement until last night after Griffin had come home and was sleeping. I guess having too much time doesn't work because it makes it easier to put it off. The main things keeping me on track right now are this blog and a calendar on the wall that I mark with an X for every day I stay on plan. Maybe that's the whole secret to motivation, I don't know.

Motivation

I've worked out every morning this week, so far so good. One thing I realized is that if I'm not really motivated I can come up with lots of reasons I just can't exercise. Monday morning I woke up and saw that we had 3 inches of snow. Last year this would mean I skip exercise and get stuff ready while Julian shovels the driveway for an hour (because he is a saint). On Monday I woke up Julian and then went searching for the old baby monitor so I could exercise and still hear Griffin when he woke up. There was some scrambling at the last minute to get the breakfasts and lunches ready and everyone showered and dressed but it worked out. On Wednesday morning Griffin woke up at 4am and I couldn't fall back asleep before my alarm went off at 5:30. If I'm not feeling motivated that's plenty of reason reset the alarm - too bad, didn't work out. Knowing this doesn't help with the main problem, though - how to get and stay motivated?

THANK GOD

I am thankful for the 140s blog, for real. I'm declaring Hotbody December and it starts today and right now I'm home from work and procrastinating going to the gym, but I'm going to go, I swear! I'm going to spend the next four weeks doing Turbulence Training for Abs in the hopes that I won't be embarrassed when we spend New Year's Eve in LA and I'm expected to wear a swimsuit for part or all of the proceedings.

Also, I'm on track to get to the 140s in the next week or two, which is also good times. Yay us!

Denise is in the 140s!

I, however, am not.

Post-vacations I hit 163 and then I hid for shame. I'm back to 158 and I'm going to be at 152 by Thanksgiving, when I will purchase a shiny new pair of boots. And by Xmas I'm going to be at 144, when I will purchase a shiny new pair of jeans. That's all there is to it.

Motivational Plateau

Rather than discuss how my weight is up lately (last Friday I weighed in at 156.2, ugh) or how much I've been snacking, I'm going to respond to C's awesome posts and remember why we started this blog in the first place!

First Topic: Comments on Weight Loss
OK, I admit it, I love them. That said, the tummy tuck thing? Really? HOW TACKY. I love thinking about responses to things like that. For example:

"Wow, I know you had surgery, did you have a tummy tuck, too?"
"No, did you?"

People are dumb. In some ways, though, compliments help motivate me when the scale isn't, so much. Last weekend 4 different people commented on how good I looked - not just because of my weight loss, although I'm sure that's a factor to me looking (and feeling) better.

Topic the Second: Low Blood Sugar

I've been a total grouch lately. I think more than LBS it's that I've been pretty much constantly overeating, which means that I feel guilty and angry and generally pissy at the world (even though the world isn't force-feeding me). I miss the fruits and veggies that were all fresh and delicious all summer, and my training schedule has interfered with green market trips. I finally went last night and bought squash to make soup, which I think will help me feel like I'm indulging in Fall fare. We'll see.

Finally: The Menu

I realized recently that I need ritual around my food/meals. It's all-too-easy for me to eat 1,000 calories mindlessly and still feel hungry or deprived, but if I spend an hour preparing a meal worth 4 points I feel so much more satisfied. The last couple of weeks I've grilled a stack of chicken breasts and turkey burgers on Sunday night and we've eaten them over the course of the week. It turns out this isn't a great idea for me, because then there's nothing for me to prepare. I like being around food. I like looking at it and smelling it and touching it, and those things don't even involve caloric intake! Most of this summer we ate breakfast together in the back yard, and it was a great way to start the day - and most of those days I really stayed on program.

I'm already looking forward to getting back from vacation and settling into a routine with more ritual around meals, especially dinner. I'm also looking forward to starting a new TT - because I haven't been able to go 3x/week for the past month I'm still doing the intermediate workout, and I admit that I'm getting a bit tired of it!

Off The Wagon

Ugh, I have been overeating a lot the past couple of weeks. Not getting enough sleep, not enough routine, all that jazz. I really really need to get back on track and back on counting every little thing, because I want my fall wardrobe to be skinnified.

This, then, is my Post of Great Resolve. Nothing like a Tuesday to kick things off, right? I'm going to run home from work then eat a chicken breast and corn on the cob. Then no snacking!

Why is that so hard lately?

The Post Formerly Titled "Hiatus"

I've been half-assed this week.

It started on the weekend when I didn't get enough sleep, and had several early mornings in a row. The past three days at work I've been snacking on peanut M&Ms without counting them at all. Just now I realized that I'm not actually hungry - I had a healthy, satisfying lunch - I'm just tired. And tired leads to snacky (for me, anyway).

For inspiration I perused the WW boards this afternoon. Someone had written: "sometimes a cookie is just a cookie - it's not a free pass to eat for the rest of the day."

It's a tough lesson to learn. I'm expecting a gain this week, but I'm not going on hiatus from the blog or from eating properly and counting POINTS, because when I eat healthier I feel healthier, and that's important.

Healthy

I just realized I'm not medically overweight anymore, my BMI hit normal at 147 pounds. I have my annual physical next Tuesday, I've had that physical in mind for while now. At last year's physical I talked to my doctor about my plan to lose weight and told her I was starting Weight Watchers. She said she'd found Weight Watchers or just counting calories with something like fitday to be the most effective approaches. Since I'd had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant she scheduled me for a blood test. When she called me a few weeks later I immediately thought my blood sugar was elevated. Instead she told me about the abnormal cells that were the beginning of last year's medical scare. Then a week later she called again to tell me that also, my blood sugar was elevated.

My body reacts to being moderately overweight like I'm really, really obese. I know I was in denial about how much weight I gained, but over and over I've had doctors look at me and say "this shouldn't be happening". PCOS, gestational diabetes, endometrial hyperplasia. I have issues with insulin resistance and I have issues with too much estrogen. This creates a feedback loop where it's easier to gain weight and that makes me have more insulin resistance and more estrogen. I think trying to limit carbohydrates and using a progesterone supplement have helped a lot.

I'll do another blood test at the physical next week and which will hopefully come back normal. Then I need to keep reminding myself that being overweight is just not an option for me.

Update: My fasting blood sugar was 100, right on the borderline between normal and prediabetes. I guess maybe I really should shoot for 128 as my goal weight.

Title Nine

I'm developing a bit of a Title Nine problem. It started out gradually. A tank top here. A pair of yoga pants there. Then I got on their email mailing list and now it's just out of control. I keep telling myself it's for a good cause, I need positive rewards to keep myself exercising. But, I work out in our basement and I go to yoga once/week. How good do I really have to look?

Ugh.

I guess it had to happen - I've been pretty serious about following WW and Turbulence Training for four weeks now, and today I was frustrated with all of it. First, I forgot to bring my veggie burger for lunch, so I ate some of the catered lunch. Just a little, and I estimated POINTS and all that, but I still ended up higher for lunch than I usually do.

I went to Ikea after work and as I passed the cafeteria and the grocery area on the way out I was pissed off that I couldn't stop for Swedish Meatballs or a cinnamon roll or even a lousy frozen yogurt.

I ended up 6 POINTS over for the day (and no, I didn't have any weekly POINTS left because, yeah, Saturday's baby shower included a lot of wine and ice cream and conveniently forgetting to count things like pistachios and Pringles). And I didn't work out today because it just didn't fit into my schedule, although I'm considering hitting the gym now for at least a 30 minute run just to even things out a little.

The rest of the week doesn't look much better. Friday I'll be at a work BBQ, and in Oregon on the weekend for a wedding. I'll pack healthy snacks and and eat vegetables and all that, but sometimes I just wish I didn't have such a propensity for weight gain and I didn't have to *think* so much about it. You know?

Freakin' B&J!

B&J = Ben and Jerry = Half Baked ice cream bar = what I ate last night while walking home from the Y-Man's place.

The thing I don't usually manage is to count POINTS when I'm eating such a thing. It usually means I'm off the rails and POINTS are the furthest thing from my mind - which has an interesting psychology of its own... That's a rabbithole we won't go down right now! My nugget of wisdom:

One of the biggest behaviours to master on the way to the 140s is getting back on track quickly! (ie same day or at the latest - next morning!) Sometimes I've had trouble with this in the past. For instance - Crap! I ate B&J! Guess I'll binge until Monday morning! Not this time though. The weekend was not perfect but I'm getting back on that horse and riding my way to the land of 140s!

xo

d

140s Peeps Rock!

Sorry for the silence 140s peeps. I don't feel as much pressure now that Candace is picking up the slack (and then some).

So a quick update: Even though I haven't been writing, I've been doing well!

WW: Attending and loving the meetings. I have this lively Scottish woman who says a lot of things I already know but still enjoy hearing. I strangely love watching people get stickers and ribbons too.

Climbing: Very into it! Climbing indoors 3+ times a week and outdoors at Rattlesnake Point whenever possible. Very scary and good for me!

Eating Good Stuff: Yoav is grilling up chicken with any veg he can find - we're talking zucchini, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, peppers, mushrooms... with some indulgence in sweet potatoes now and again! Yum!

Running: At least 4 times a week in the morning... still doing a modified 'Couch to 5K'. I can now run for 20 mins straight outside. This is big progress! I need to talk to you G about running now that I'm getting into the swing...

Other Stuff: Work - crap. Y-Man - good :) Vacation to Israel coming up Aug 7-20th... Should be able to sweat out some fatbody!

xoxo Love you! WAY TO GO on your impressive progress! We are truly headed to the 140s... (except for those already there!)

d